Monday, August 31, 2009


August 9, 2009
I keep trying to figure out when my life will have timed out, the sands of time passing from present to past. Clichéd adages pop in my mind like kernels of popcorn jumping alive over an open fire. When the going gets tough the tough get going, winners never quit, don’t give up the ship, full steam ahead, those that don’t succeed are the ones who don’t get back up on the saddle. I push myself to visualize my own success in front of odds that stretch like the sheer cliffs of Dover in front of me, my partner, Rick, fighting for a way out of a life lived in depression, a personal debt the size of a small rural county, an occupation with little opportunity due to the current recession, a daughter who’s eye I can’t bear to fill with disappointment and my own fears of how am I going to survive my sense of total failure. A failure that makes me act in ways that seem totally irrational to an outside world. I sit on a seesaw, one side plunging me into despair hoping for the inevitable heart attack and a quick easy way out, the other lifting me to the possibility of miracles and the knowledge that everything will turn out all right if I stay positive and don’t give up. The seesaw keeps rising and sinking from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour. Is Rick okay today? Is today’s depression a rock tied to his chest preventing him from getting out of bed or is it a small note tucked into his back pocket. What will happen to Emmy? Is she strong enough to go out on the road on her own? Did I give her enough tools to fix life’s problems? Is the task of seeing she is prepared enough reason to want to live? Can anyone say they’ve completed that task? Michael Jackson died and the world kept spinning. My death wouldn’t change the world. Tomorrow would still come; the sun would still rise even if my eyes weren’t open to see it. Yesterday the sky turned that ominous shade of blue/gray as a sheet of clouds was pulled over it. Within minutes the rumble of distant thunder trumpeted the arrival of one of those horrific yet glorious afternoon thunderstorms with pelting rain and howling wind and then just as soon as it had arrived it left, trailing soft wisps of white and dappled blue and a spectacular double rainbow. All seven colors of the spectrum were on full display. The end of the rainbow seemed to fall just on the other side of the next hill hiding its pot of gold just beyond our reach. I know in life my pot of gold is the little girl standing by my side as we both look out and marvel at the beautiful omen nature has provided us. At that moment the seesaw of my life was on the up side, and for that moment I was ready to get back up on the saddle and show her winners never quit.

Be prepared for the roller coaster ride. When starting over there are going to be plenty ups and downs. Have something set in the back of your mind you can turn to when the going gets rough. For me it has always been a red velvet cupcacke. When the bills become overwhelming or twenty-four hours in the day isn’t going to get you through your list you’ll need something to turn to wipe out the negative. The rich almost blood red cake, covered by a layer of swirling white butter cream frosting, and topped with a fire-engine red-hot jellybean pulls my head around to the positive.

If you're reading this, please forgive the chronology of these first several entries. I wrote many of them before I figured out how to get this blog up and running so my sequencing of events is still a bit wacky.

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